People Make Time for What They Want: How to Stop Chasing

Do you ever look at your phone on a Sunday evening and realise that every plan this month has your name on it?

People make time for what they want. If you're always the one making the plans, you can stop chasing and see who makes plans back. I'll show you how, without guessing what anyone feels, and without turning into someone cold.

You are the one with the diary open

For example, a group of friends keeps saying "we should catch up!" Somebody has to turn that into a day, and it's you. You pick a restaurant, you check everyone's week, you send the reminder the day before, and on the night you arrive early and wait for the others.

Nobody asked you to do all of that. You took it on because you're good at it, and you can't bear to watch a nice plan fizzle out. And the more you pick it up, the less anyone else needs to.

That's how a kind person ends up holding a friendship together with one hand. From the outside it looks like generosity. From the inside it often feels like being tired and a little bit invisible.

What you can see, and what you can't

When a reply takes more than a few hours, we start writing the story. "She's gone off me." "I must have said something." Every one of those stories is a guess, and the guessing is what wears us out.

So here's a different way to look at it. Keep track of what you can see, which is what happens in the calendar. Why someone is slow to reply is something only they know.

I'd stay with the first list, because it's kinder to them and kinder to you, and you never have to decide what anyone feels. Wouldn't that be a relief?

You make time for what you want, too. A friend in trouble gets your evening without a second thought (and a casserole, probably!). Nobody is asking you to change that. The question is only whether anybody does the same for you.

One clear invitation, then wait

Chasing usually looks like a string of small nudges: "Are you free?" "No worries if not!" "Just checking!" Each one is easy to ignore, and none of them says what you want, which is to see her.

Try one clear invitation instead. Name two options, because a real day is much easier for a busy friend to say yes to than "sometime soon". Then stop. After that, go and do something you enjoy while you wait.

Then watch the first list for a couple of weeks. Did they reply, suggest a day and turn up? You don't need to keep score in a notebook, and you certainly don't need to confront anyone about the result. You are only collecting what happened, so you can stop guessing.

What about the friend who really is busy?

Busy is real, and plenty of people who love you are run off their feet. Busy people still get back to you, though. They send a two-line reply saying the week is mad but the weekend after next looks free. They suggest a date themselves, even a late one.

When there's no reply and no date, over and over, that's something different. You still don't need to know the reason, and you can keep the door open for years if you want to. All you are changing is that you stop doing all the reaching out yourself.

What to do with what you learn

If the answer stings (it might!), go easy on yourself for a day or two before you decide anything.

Sometimes the answer is lovely. A person replies within a day, suggests a date and turns up with a hug. With a friend like that there is nothing to chase, so you can enjoy the time together.

Sometimes the plans only happen when you make them, and you've been paying for that with your Sunday evenings. Once you see that, you know how this friendship works right now, and you get to choose how much time and effort you put in from here.

You can stay warm with everyone. You can still say hello, send a birthday message and be glad to see them when they do come. What changes is where you put the extra effort, and I wrote about that side of it in Why You Should Choose People Who Choose You.

Where does the time go instead?

Once you stop organising every plan, you'll probably find a few free evenings, and you'll feel a strong pull to fill each one with another favour. Please don't let it! Fill each free evening with one thing you want: a walk, a bath, a cup of tea in the garden.

If you'd like to understand why the favours come so easily in the first place, What Causes People Pleasing is a good place to start.

Want to pause before you give the next yes?

When you stop arranging everything, people will still ask you for things. My free guide, Before You Say Yes, is a short read on pausing before you answer, with lines to keep, so your free evenings stay free.

Send me the free guideFree. Arrives by email.

One Sunday soon there'll be a plan on your calendar that somebody else made. You put your phone down, your chest loosens, and for once you didn't have to organise a single thing.

This is general information, not therapy. If you're ever frightened for your safety, please contact your local emergency services.