Why You Should Choose People Who Choose You

Choose people who choose you!

Why are you choosing people who are users and toxic, instead of good-hearted people who genuinely choose to have you in their life?

We often don’t reflect on the relationships in our lives and think about whether they deserve us. If you are anything like me, you spend most of your time wondering why you aren’t good enough for them!

You never once think to question if they even deserve your loyal friendship and kind heart in their life, and the thought of leaving them behind never crossed your mind. But it’s something I invite you to think about today!

I want you to know you are valuable and you deserve to be surrounded by people who not only appreciate you, but absolutely treasure you.

When you surround yourself with the wrong people, they leave their mark on you and make it difficult to have healthy relationships in the future. It affects so many aspects of your life and makes it much harder than it needs to be.

This article will go through the reasons I believe you should always choose the people who choose you and the amazing changes that happen to your life as a result.

Let’s get started!

The importance of choosing people who choose you

You are valuing yourself

When you surround yourself with people who appreciate and respect you, you are affirming your worth. It is important to choose wisely and be selective about the people you associate with, as their energy and attitudes will have a direct impact on your own.

When you connect with others who share your values and outlook on life, you feel more supported and empowered to go after what you want.

On the other hand, when you spend time with people who are negative or critical, it can be draining and discouraging.

By choosing people who choose you, you are telling yourself that you matter and that your opinion counts. This helps to boost your confidence and increase your self-esteem.

Don’t settle, be picky

You deserve someone who will appreciate and value you for all that you are. Someone who will be there for you through thick and thin, who will never give up on you.

You are worth more than someone who is not willing to put in the effort to find out what makes you special and unique.  

You deserve to be surrounded by people who are as excited about being with you as you are about being with them. Go where you are celebrated, instead of only tolerated.

People often settle for whoever will have them because it’s easier, but is it? To be with someone whose attention is always elsewhere, to feel like a second choice all the time? Yeah, Nah.

You are valuable and deserve to be around people who recognize that. When you choose people who choose you, you are valuing yourself. You are saying, “I am important too.”

They see your worth and are as excited about being with you as you are about being with them.

This creates mutual respect and admiration and is the foundation of a strong relationship.

The benefits of surrounding yourself with people who choose you

It’s a nicer environment to be in

If you are highly sensitive like me, you will absorb the energy of those around you. You are what you ‘eat’ as in the type of vibe you spend your time in. 

When you hang out with people who choose you, the energy is lighter and it is easier to be with them. You come away feeling nourished and alive. You feel loved and supported.

However, if the people around you are negative and have heavy energy around them, it takes a lot of your work to survive in that environment. It feels awful.

Especially if you are a sensitive and caring niceaholic like us!

You gain confidence 

Because the people you are spending time with, want to spend time with you too; you don’t need to second guess what you say, you can be yourself.

You don’t need to worry about them gossiping about you, as they are choosing to spend their precious free time with you. They wouldn’t do that unless they genuinely wanted to.

The more you spend time with people who validate and care for you, the more it affirms you are a good and likable person. It helps your confidence grow when you have people you feel safe with.

It’s so much easier

There is less friction and conflict in your life. Good friends or partners aren’t jealous or threatened, they celebrate your successes and encourage you to go after your dreams.

If there is conflict, it is much easier to navigate as both parties are invested in the relationship and want it to succeed.

That is the beauty of having people who choose you, over those that don’t. They work with you, instead of pulling against you and pushing up against your boundaries all the time. They see something in you that is worth their time and effort, and they are willing to invest in you.

This provides a sense of security and belonging that can feel so lovely.

Additionally, you will never have to doubt yourself again because these people have already chosen you. They believe in you and your ability to succeed. This type of positive reinforcement can be extremely motivating.

Finally, you will always feel loved and supported because that is what these people want for you. They want you to be happy and to reach your full potential.

Reasons why you choose people, who don’t choose you back

There are 3 main reasons we choose unavailable friends or partners and if you look closely, you will see they are all based (to a degree) on a lack of trust in yourself.

You don’t trust yourself

You think others know more than you and choose people who you believe are ‘stronger’ in some way than you. This is especially true for those raised in authoritarian households.

Usually, it will be financially, physically, intellectually or they are exceptionally confident.

There is a kind of protection they offer, you feel you can’t offer yourself. You see yourself as weak and vulnerable in this regard, which causes you to act dependently on others. Then you attract these difficult and controlling people into your life, who just use you.

It’s familiar

It is familiar to abandon yourself if your parents were emotionally absent or hard to please.

If you think about how a child would get attention from distracted parents, there are two options. Be naughty and gain negative attention, or be the good girl and try to gain positive attention and praise.

You are the good girl and as a result, now choose people who are just as difficult to please. It feels familiar. This is what you know as love, being unimportant and needing to prove yourself worthy all the time.

Because you were trained as a child to defer to authority and have people give you praise and confirm you are doing well, you seek this in friends and partners as an adult. These relationships usually have an unhealthy balance of power, where you remain forever the ‘good girl’.

You have an old belief that you are unlovable and not worthy of other people’s time and attention unless you are useful to them.  

You have outgrown them

As we develop, we grow at different rates from those around us. Sometimes your friends or partners will grow with you and sometimes they don’t. These people may have been in your life a long time and you feel loyal to them but the relationship has run its course.

So why do you hang on to them?

• You see their potential to grow, even if they aren’t growing at all
• You are scared to lose them and go through the associated conflict or grief
• You are unsure if you can successfully make new friends or meet someone else
• There is a long shared history and you can’t see your life without them in it 

Are these good enough reasons to keep someone around who is clearly not choosing you? Only you can say, but I would think not.

You’re stuck and it’s hard to leave people behind, but if they don’t put you first, ever, then it has to be done for your wellbeing. Time to rip that band-aid off and choose yourself!!

How to finally choose people who do choose you!

Choose yourself first

Start with accepting and loving yourself first. Your most important relationship is with yourself and that needs to be strong before you go out and attract new people. If you have low self-worth you will continue to bring in people who reflect that back to you and you’ll be no better off.

Make it feel familiar, even if it feels weird at first.

Marissa Peer has a wonderful technique when it comes to bringing in people who are more aligned with you. She talks about making it feel familiar to have nice people around you, who do nice things for you.

You’re not used to it and if you don’t work on it, and will often retreat to the devil you know, undoing all your good work and ending back at square one.

But if you use positive self-talk to encourage yourself towards new and healthier relationships, eventually, it becomes your new normal and you leave the toxic people behind you for good.

Do an audit

A check-in will do wonders for identifying the troublemakers in your life (if you don’t already know), and help you decide to keep working on these relationships or if they are unhealthy for you and need to go.

• Reflect on your life goals and honestly look at the people in your life and if they support you or are only concerned with their dreams.
• If you could choose these people again, would you choose the ones you have now?
• Write a list of the people who would be there for you if you were in need – cut those who aren’t on the list

For those relationships you are unsure of, observe and test them to see if they genuinely do care for you, or if you are only seeing what you want to see.

You always see the best in people, right? So make sure it is an accurate assessment of their character and not you trying to hang on.

Are these people willing to do favors for you? Make time to see or chat with you? Do they listen to you when you talk, or do they interrupt all the time? Are their values aligned with yours? Do you feel calmer when they aren’t around as much?

This personal audit will tell you so much!

Prepare yourself for the change

Prepare yourself for the loss that will come with the shedding of old people. It’s harder than you expect.

You will grieve them and what could have been, especially if they have been in your life a long time.

It’s sad to leave people behind and that is so difficult as a niceaholic. We are deeply loyal and never abandon people who are in our lives, but sometimes it’s necessary.

With time you will see these people were left behind for a reason, one that probably isn’t obvious to you right now.

When you clear the deck of old stale relationships, it leaves room for fresh healthy ones to flow in.

A Final Note

If you want to improve your self-esteem and feel confident in your worth, surround yourself with people who truly choose you.

These people exist, and you deserve nothing less than their love and support. You should be celebrated, instead of merely tolerated.

Self-improvement is a never-ending journey. You are always discovering new things about yourself and growing as a person. As you do this, it’s important to be selective about the people you spend your time with.

Choose people who add value to your life, who uplift you, and make you feel good about yourself.

These people will help you continue on your path of self-improvement and be with you when you achieve your dreams.

And they will be so happy for you, my dear. As they should be 🙂

One last thing before I go, remember to always be kind to yourself, you’re worth it!

Love