Unsupportive Family: What to Say and How to Stay Close
You tell your family you're changing jobs, or moving, or ending something everyone expected you to keep. Nobody says it's a bad idea in so many words. Somebody sighs, somebody changes the subject, and somebody asks if you've really thought it through.
When your family doesn't back your choices, you still need something to say back. You also want to stay close to them without needing their approval. Both are possible, and there are three kind lines below to help.
Which one did you get: the sigh, the silence, or the "are you sure?"
The quote helps for a minute
Later that night you scroll through unsupportive family quotes, looking for someone who agrees with you. It helps, for a bit. Then you ache all over again. What you wanted was for them to be glad for you, and you can't get that from a quote, however lovely it is.
Keep the quote you like, by all means! Then let's look at what you can do the next time they sigh. You can't see what's behind a sigh, and you don't have to try. You can hear what was said, then decide what you'd like to say back.
You can want their blessing and go ahead without it
Most of us niceaholics learned that going ahead without somebody's blessing means choosing between them and ourselves. That's a very heavy choice to carry. It's why a kind person can freeze for weeks after one raised eyebrow at the dinner table. But you can keep both: your decision and your place at the table.
You can want their blessing and go ahead without it. You can love them and disagree with them.
Three kind lines to have ready
The words go missing when you're sitting across from the people who know you best. So have a few ready, and write the one that suits you in your phone notes before you go. Each one gives them your warmth and keeps your decision where it is.
Each one thanks them and gives your plan, so they feel heard and you've nothing to defend. That's much harder to argue with than a long explanation, right? If you'd like help with the guilt that shows up afterwards, I wrote about it in How To Stop Feeling Guilty When Setting A Boundary For The First Time.
What if they keep pushing? That happens, and you can handle it. Say the same line again, word for word, and change the subject to something you both enjoy. You don't have to win the conversation, and you don't have to give a second reason.
How to stay close without needing their yes
Staying close is possible, and it mostly comes down to a few small decisions about how you spend the time together. You decide what you're there for, and you can decide it again at every visit. Say you're there for the roast potatoes, the grandchildren and the garden. You can enjoy all of it, and leave the one topic you're not discussing out of the room.
- Keep the visits you like. Call on your usual day, and go to the usual lunch. When you keep the routine, everyone can see you're still here and still part of the family, whatever you disagree about.
- Next time you have news, tell a friend first. Pick the friend who'll say "go on!" and tell them before you tell the family. Then you walk in already cheered on.
- Choose your exit before you arrive. Decide when you'll leave, and say it early: "I'm heading off at four." Once you've set a time, you don't spend the afternoon dreading it.
- Ask for one small thing. Try, "Next time we talk, would you ask me how it's going?" It's an easy request, and it gives them a way to be on your side.
When it doesn't change
Some families come round after a few months, some take years, and some never say the words you were hoping for. You can't schedule it, and you don't have to wait for it before you live your life. I think you feel lighter the day you stop treating their yes as the finish line.
You're still a kind person. Your family can feel unsure, and you can feel fine. You can all sit at the same table like that for a long time, and nobody has to be wrong. You can keep your door open and your decision as it is.
If you've been bending yourself to win their approval, I wrote about that in Don't Trade Your Authenticity for Approval.
If you ever come away from a conversation frightened, please bring in a trusted person or a professional. The same goes if someone tries to control your money or where you can go. No script can help with that.
Try this in ten minutes
Write down the one sentence you'd most like to say to your family about your decision. Put it in your phone notes, where you'll find it before the next visit. Then ring or message one person who's on your side and tell them first.
Tell me how you go
Which line did you use, and what happened when you said it? I really love hearing how you went.
Want a pause before you answer the next family request?
My free guide, Before You Say Yes, is a short guide to pausing before you answer, with lines to keep. It's there for the next time your family asks you to host, drive or drop everything.
Send me the free guideFree. Arrives by email.Picture the next family lunch: someone sighs, you say your one line, and your hands rest easy around your cup. And you still stay for dessert.
This is general information, not therapy. If you're ever frightened for your safety, please contact your local emergency services.
