Why it’s important to please yourself(Instead of Everyone Else!)

Can I ask you, when was the last time you pleased yourself and put your own needs first?

We’re taught from a young age to think about others first and to always be polite and considerate. As niceaholics, we excel at this, right?

While it’s important to be kind and to take other people’s feelings into account, there comes a point where we need to start thinking about ourselves first. Yes shocking I know!

It’s so easy to get caught up in doing what we think other people want us to do, or what will make them happy, we forget to focus on our own happiness.

We end up neglecting our own needs and wants, in favor of making someone else happy.

Why Do You Find it So Hard to Please Yourself?

If you want to start taking better care of yourself, the first step is to become aware of why it’s so hard to do. Once you understand the root of the problem, you can start working on ways to overcome it.

As niceaholics we get so caught up doing things for others, we can lose ourselves. It is important to have balance in your life and not become a servant to the strong-willed people in your life.

Have you thought about why you find it so hard to put yourself first?

Could it be your upbringing? Were you from a “seen and not heard” home, where an authoritarian ruled the household?

As a little one, if you were taught that adult’s needs were more important than yours, you may find it hard to put yourself first as an adult. If your home was unstable in any way, it could also contribute to the fact you find it hard to please yourself now.

Was your home emotionally unstable?

Instability can be from a range of things and doesn’t have to always mean abuse (although abusive homes are definitely unstable!)

A lot of parents were just busy and if they have lots of children to care for, their time was spread thin. Add in both parents juggling work, caring for their own elderly parents and financial pressures, it’s easy to see how children can be shouted at and ignored at times.

If this was your situation, it would make sense you would need to make yourself more visible to your caregivers, as your survival depends on them taking care of you!  You may have learned is being the “good girl” and helping got you positive attention and praise. So of course you kept doing it!

As adults, we don’t often check back on our childhood programming and see if it is still a relevant strategy to use for our lives as grown-ups. I mean, who would? We just accept it is who we are, we don’t realize it’s a habit we developed long ago that is no longer serving us.

So, I invite you to take a look at the following list and see if there are any strategies that you used as a child that you can now let go of.

These behaviors all contribute to a feeling of being “less than” other people and can make you feel selfish for pleasing yourself and not others.

Questions to Ask Yourself, if You Find it Hard to Please Yourself

Do you try to please everyone else?

As children, we often try to please everyone in order to feel accepted and loved. However, as adults, we need to realize that this is an impossible task and it’s not worth trying to please people who aren’t going to be happy regardless. It is important we learn how to set boundaries and express our needs honestly, which ultimately leads to healthier relationships.

Are you overly critical of yourself?

When we’re children, we often don’t have a good sense of self-confidence or self-esteem. So, we develop negative thoughts about ourselves, and these voices go round and round in our minds.

Quite often this is actually the voice of someone else in our head, like a critical parent. As adults, we need to learn how to accept ourselves for who we are and appreciate our own unique qualities. There is nothing about ourselves we should be ashamed of! We no longer need to put ourselves down.

Do you let others control you?

As children, we often don’t have a strong sense of identity or independence. Most of the time we have to do what we are told because we are too young to go places on our own. So, we let others control us to feel safe and secure. Dependence used to keep us safe.

As adults, we need to learn how to be our own person and stand up for ourselves. Develop an individual self, separate from the adults who raised us. We can then develop a strong sense of self-worth and learn to trust our own judgment.

As children, we’re often taught that it’s important to be safe and not take risks. So, we grow up being scared of trying new things in case we fail. Failure to a child who is surrounded by difficult or immature parents can also mean there is a risk of abandonment if they don’t measure up to the expected standards.

As adults, we need to learn that we can’t really fail at life and that it’s important to take risks in order to achieve our goals. We can then learn how to deal with setbacks and persevere until we reach our goals.

Do you bite your tongue and suppress your feelings?

When we’re children, we’re taught that it’s not polite to express our feelings openly. So, instead, we suppress them and bottle them up inside. As adults, we need to learn how to express our feelings in a healthy way and understand that it’s okay to feel sad, angry or happy sometimes. We then develop a healthy emotional intelligence which allows us to have better relationships with others

How to Put Yourself First

Can you see now, why it’s so hard to please yourself and put yourself first?

So what to do about it?

Start saying no more often.

It can be difficult to please ourselves and put ourselves first because we often feel like we need to take care of others and meet their needs before our own. This is especially true for people pleasers, who have a hard time saying no and putting their own desires and needs first. As a result, they can end up feeling drained and unhappy.

The most effective way to start doing this is by setting boundaries with the people in your life who are difficult or demanding. Say no when you need to, and learn how to stand up for yourself.

Practice doing things for yourself

Another way to take care of yourself is by making time for activities that make you happy and making these a priority.

This could include things like reading, going for walks, or spending time with friends and family. When you make time for things that bring you joy, it will help you feel more in control of your life and happier overall.

It’s often the feeling of not being in control of your own life that causes resentment and anger at the people who drain our time. Even though we can say no at any time, we feel powerless and like we don’t have a say.

By creating and enforcing boundaries and making time for things that bring us joy, we are taking back our own power. We are prioritizing our own time around our own priorities, and it feels very freeing.

Self-Care

Taking time to look after yourself is also key to being able to please yourself and put your own needs first. It’s practice, right? This doesn’t have to be expensive or a big deal, even just taking five minutes to sit and listen to some music and brush your hair is self-care.

If you think back to what caused this lack of prioritizing your own needs, it was because the adult’s needs were more important than yours.

So take steps to care for yourself, like your parents weren’t able to, and you will see a massive improvement in your situation.

Be the person your little you needed back then.

Make sure you are cared for and have clean sheets, take a bath once in a while and talk to yourself gently. Spend time journaling and thinking through your behaviors and how they may have manifested.

Look after your physical and emotional health, by moving your body and eating fresh nourishing food. Essentially you need to be a mother to yourself.

Less screens and more outside darling 🙂

Why It’s Important to Please Yourself

There are a few reasons why it’s important to please yourself. 

It’s your life after all

It’s important to please yourself because, at the end of the day, you’re the only one who has to live with the consequences of your choices. You’re the only one who knows what will make you truly happy. And when you’re happy, you’re more likely to be kind and considerate towards others- which is a win-win for everyone!

You’ll be happier

Another reason why it’s important to please yourself is that it’ll help you be happier. If you’re constantly putting other people’s needs before your own, you’re likely to end up feeling used, unappreciated, and resentful. However, if you make sure to take care of yourself first, you’ll be much happier and more fulfilled.

The emotional cost

When we’re always putting others first, we often end up feeling resentful and frustrated. We may even start to feel like we’re not really living our own lives. We have no time to get our own things done and we are constantly rushing and stressed. When you carry other people’s worries all the time, as well as your own, it can also affect your sleep.

Not pleasing yourself actually has a big emotional cost on your sleep, mental health, and well-being.

It will make your life easier

When you teach people how to treat you and everyone adjusts, there is less conflict in your life and life is easier.

There are no more interruptions when you are working from home. People know you are saving up to go on a trip and won’t pester you to go out for dinner. Your children know not to bother you when you are on the phone. You don’t feel like you are constantly letting people down anymore too.

Things get easier when you let people know your boundaries and your priorities.

A Final Note

It’s ok to please yourself, really it’s fine!

In fact, you must because you deserve to be happy and live your life the way you want to.

As such a lovely and kind person it is easy to get caught up in other people’s problems, but you are important too. Don’t forget that!

Once you address any childhood programming that no longer serves you and learn to put yourself first, you will be happier, and less resentful and your life will be easier.

So please yourself first, and you’ll be on the path to a healthier, happier life.

Remember hun, take time this week to be kind to yourself too!

Love