I Lost Myself Trying To Please Everyone.

I lost myself trying to please everyone. Yes, I had no idea my people-pleasing behavior had gotten so out of hand, but I had no idea how to stop.

I felt like I had toxic people and narcissists everywhere, bossing me around, and I just had to survive.

This whole time I never questioned my right to be happy, to live a life of peace.

Which is what every human being deserves. Even you!

Once I realized I was looking at things from the wrong angle and wondering why everyone was so mean and heartless all the time, I could act.

I started looking at why I felt I deserved this poor treatment and was bringing these people into my life in the first place.

Then things started to improve dramatically.

Here’s what I did.

The Danger in Pleasing Others All The Time.

How can pleasing others and making them happy be a bad thing?

If you can help others, you should, right? This is like our niceaholic theme song. It is how we identify ourselves.

Nice people put others before themselves because they are helpful and kind, and that’s who we are.

However, the problem with this is that it comes at your expense when you please others and put your needs last all the time.

Each time you do this, it hurts your inner you because you are abandoning yourself.

Over time you feel resentful and start feeling like no one cares about you.

You feel lonely and sad.

Your responsibilities suffer as we always put them on the back burner, and you start to feel anxious and overwhelmed.

You give and give and give, and nothing is left for you.

Once you stop sleeping and looking after yourself properly, it’s all downhill.

And to what end? Trying to keep demanding people happy?

What about your dreams? Is your purpose in life merely to be a servant to others?

No, it’s not.

When you say, “I lost myself trying to please everyone,” it’s true. Your unique essence is gone as you take on the masks the people in your life need you to wear to keep them from being threatened.

So, the dangers in pleasing others all the time are quite dire!

But why can’t we stop?

The psychological reasons behind the need to please others

There are several reasons we have a strong need to please others, including:

Low self-esteem

People with low self-esteem may feel they must constantly prove themselves to others to be accepted or valued. They think they are valued for what they do, instead of possessing value for who they are.

Fear of rejection

Some people may be afraid of rejection, so they try to please others to avoid this. They worry they will upset their person and be kicked out of the relationship.

Fear of conflict

They don’t know how to defend themselves and fear confrontations. If they keep people happy and do what they want, they can avoid conflicts.

Trauma

Women who have experienced trauma may have a heightened need to please others to cope with their fear that the trauma will be repeated.

Childhood conditioning

If you grew up in environments where you had to please the adults in your life, you might still do this, even though you are an adult yourself now.

Habit

We are often socialized to please others, which can become a hard habit to break. If this has become your default over your lifetime, it can be very difficult to change.

Identity

It has become part of your identity. You are a nice person, and that is what nice people do.

Understanding the root cause of the behavior is the first step in addressing it and making lasting changes in your life.

Factors that contribute to feeling You have Lost Yourself trying to please everyone.

Society plays a powerful role in why we need to please others over ourselves.

If you feel you do not have the resources to defend yourself, you will look to the groups you belong to for protection and safety.

It comes back to our instincts to fit into the tribe and not do anything that will result in being banished.

The tribe you belong to has rules, often unspoken, about how to get along and earn your place.

If your strength isn’t in brute force, nurturing is a natural role to take.

So as a nurturing person, you conform to the group dynamics, respect those in authority, don’t rock the boat, always be the helper and support those you perceive to be stronger than you.

You are pleasant, keep your head down, and hope no one picks a fight with you.

As you know, hun, this is an exhausting way to live, always in fear, worried you will upset people.

It makes you feel disconnected and lonely, only appreciated for your acts of service.

No wonder you start to say to yourself “I’m losing myself trying to please everyone” and feel invisible.

So how do you know when you are losing yourself, and can you challenge this pattern of behavior and choose a different way of living?

Recognizing the signs of losing yourself to please others

Signs you are losing yourself because you please others all the time:

Neglecting your own needs

If you are skipping meals and not looking after yourself and your own responsibilities.

Sacrificing your values

When you find you are doing things you swore you would never do and betraying your values or beliefs to please others, it may be a sign that you are losing yourself.

Feeling resentful

Do you ask yourself, “What about me?” and feel resentful because of the sacrifices you are making to please everyone, it may be a sign that you are losing yourself.

Losing sight of your goals and aspirations

What are your goals and aspirations? Have you abandoned what’s important to you to please others?

Seeking validation

Constantly seeking validation from others and their opinion matters more than your own.

Physical and emotional exhaustion

If you constantly feel tired, stressed, or burned out and have no time to rest.

Losing interest in things you used to enjoy

When you have free time, and you have no clue what to do, or you are losing interest in things that you used to enjoy because you’re too busy pleasing others, it may be a sign that you are losing yourself.

The physical and emotional symptoms of People Pleasing

Feeling lonely and disconnected

For such a kind and compassionate person, it’s so sad you start to feel this way.

After a while, you realize people are just using you and aren’t there when you need them.

If you aren’t the one making an effort, there are no phone calls checking in on you, and everyone forgets about you.

This makes you feel lonely and causes you to question whether your friendships are real.

Like you have no friends

As a result, this makes you feel like you have no genuine friends.

And maybe, in part, this is true.

As I discovered, the people you surround yourself with are a mirror of what you believe you deserve.

If you have built your friendship circle by always being the one to help others, it makes sense that users who benefit from this would be part of this group.

So maybe instead of feeling you don’t have any friends, realize you probably have the wrong type of friends who are unhealthy for you to be around.

This way of thinking is more empowering because you can do something about it.

The problem isn’t that you don’t deserve genuine friends as you believe; you are trying to be friends with the wrong people who are incapable of being who you need them to be.

Constantly getting sick

Adrenal Fatigue, insomnia, exhaustion, and burnout are all symptoms you are giving too much of yourself.

Catching every cold going around and feeling constantly unwell are also signs to pull back. When you are over-giving and neglecting your self-care, your body breaks down, forcing you to stop over-committing and wearing yourself out.

Feeling anxious

Keeping everyone happy all the time is very anxiety-inducing.

You have no control over when or where the next request will come from, and you constantly worry whether you are good enough to fulfill the favors asked of you.

Being a frazzled mess isn’t so great for your other relationships too.

Strategies for setting boundaries and saying no

The fundamental problem with over-giving is that there’s no stopping point. It’s a bottomless pit of favors, especially if you are surrounded by people who are in the habit of using you.

So, what can you do?

Start saying no and mean it.

Boundaries are your new BFF and are the best way to take your power back and stop catering to other people’s needs all the time.

How to set your first boundary.

Quickly do a time audit – where are you leaking the most time, and who or what is stealing it from you?

Is there a boundary you can place around this situation or person that will help you reduce the lost time?

If so, what is it?

Let’s say you have looked at your last month and babysat your sister’s children four times during this period.

How long does it take to collect the children, and how long do they usually stay with you? Add up all the time taken to do this favor, and include any financial costs like food and petrol.

Could a boundary help conserve your energy and reduce the time you give your sister? Yes, it could!

An idea of a boundary to set could be still watching the kids but only once a month. Looking after the children at your place, and getting your sister to bring them to you and provide their snacks.

It is incredibly difficult to set boundaries when you aren’t used to them, so this may cause you to feel a bit awkward at first.

The guilt of letting people down and the urge to cave will be strong. Expect it and hold firm.

It will pass. I promise 😊.

When setting boundaries, you are simply teaching people the rules of interacting with you and what they need to do to get what they want from you.

Don’t make it personal, and it will be much easier.

Tips for building self-confidence and self-worth

The reason boundary setting is challenging is that deep down, you lack confidence and have low self-worth.

Your faith in yourself is weak, so it’s easy to be swayed by other people needing your attention.

So how do you get your confidence back?

Boundaries are the first step, but self-integrity is also missing—a commitment to keep your promises to yourself.

When you commit to your goals and dreams and start taking action, you stop having a lot of available time to give away to others. You become more selective about who and what you give your time to.

You practice honoring your word to yourself instead of blowing your things off to chase after other people’s priorities.

The more you do this, the more you’ll find it helps build self-confidence and self-worth.

The importance of self-care and self-compassion

Another thing that helps with self-confidence is self-care and self-compassion.

Self-care is one of the most underrated tools in your healing toolkit.

It’s funny, but the busier we are, the less time we spend on self-care, which is precisely the thing that will help us keep going!

Self-care isn’t selfish. It’s more than just buying yourself something nice too. Self-care is ensuring you eat properly, get enough sleep, and take the time to ensure you aren’t stressed and rushing.

It gives you the strength to say no to other people and learn to put yourself first.

As niceaholics, we can be very hard on ourselves. We are empathic and caring towards others but forget to give that to ourselves.

Treating yourself with kindness and compassion is a way to release yourself from seeking validation from others as you don’t need it anymore.

It also helps with setting boundaries, as you are compassionate to yourself and no longer over-committing.

A Final Note

Wrapping up, yes I lost myself trying to please everyone but I want to remind you that putting yourself first and letting others fend for themselves is okay.

Needing to keep everyone happy all the time only results in you losing yourself and being resentful and unhappy.

Your goals and dreams are important, too, so don’t lose yourself trying to please everyone. When you cater to everyone else’s needs, you only end up surrounded by users, not the genuine people you deserve.

It’s time to say enough and start giving yourself the self-care and self-compassion you need to stop running around after everyone all the time; otherwise, you have a nervous breakdown and burnout coming your way.

So, my dear, I want today to be the last day you over-give.

Start setting boundaries and get some balance back in your life. This is the only way you save yourself from being lost in other people’s lives and start creating the beautiful and peaceful life you deserve.

Are you going to start putting yourself first and prioritize your own needs? What is the first thing you are going to try? Let me know in the comments below.

Remember, before I go, it’s so important you take care of yourself too, lovely.

Until next time,

Love