10 Signs People-Pleasing is a Problem For You

Is your people-pleasing becoming a problem, what are the signs to tell?

As niceaholics the need to be nice at all costs is so strong, it can turn into a real problem. Do you find yourself always trying to please others, even if it means sacrificing your own needs? If so, you might be a people pleaser.

The root cause of a people-pleasing personality can vary from person to person. However, some possible causes could include a fear of rejection, low self-esteem, or a need for approval.

If you find that you are constantly people-pleasing in your relationships, it may be helpful to explore what underlying issues might be driving this behavior.

In doing so, you can begin to work on setting healthier boundaries and developing a more content and peaceful relationship with yourself and others.

Following are 10 signs you might have a people-pleasing issue, read through, and see if any resonate with you.

10 Signs people pleasing is becoming a problem

1. You can’t say no

For the lovely people pleaser, letting people down is not an option. You hate disappointing your loved ones and if they need you, you are first in line. No matter what.

It’s not only the feeling of letting them down that’s the problem, they chose YOU to help. They are counting on you and you have a responsibility to help them out.

We squirm when faced with a last-minute request because we are also a little worried about the response if we say no as well. So we don’t, we take a breath and say “Yes of course, what do you need?”

When we do this we are letting ourselves down, because we are putting their needs above our own.

You Feel Bad Saying No

Okay, so maybe you can say no, and you have before. However, did you feel guilty when you said no? Did you worry for hours afterwards, you did the wrong thing?

You have every right to say no, and you shouldn’t feel bad doing it. If you do, this is another sign that you could be a people-pleaser.

Remember when you are saying yes to someone, you are actually saying no to yourself.

What happens to you and your life? Are these people going to help you with your responsibilities? Are you letting your own loved ones down, by letting outsider’s priorities take control of your time?

2. You Constantly Wonder What Others Think

Are you always worried that your friends might hate you? Or that your mother is disappointed in you? These anxious thoughts are another sign of people-pleasing behavior. Thoughts like these cause you to please others before taking care of yourself because you are scared of being abandoned.

At our core, we are tribal people. We need a gang to fit into. In the dark ages, if you didn’t have a tribe to belong to, you were a dinosaur’s dinner. So it makes sense we care about fitting in and belonging to our group.

However, we don’t need to worry about dinosaurs anymore and nothing will happen if we say no to our friend’s birthday drinks, but it doesn’t feel like it to a niceaholic who has a habit of people-pleasing.

You want people to like you more than anything and being abandoned and left out of the group, feels like it’s a serious life-threatening danger, one we will avoid at all costs.

3. Lack of Time For Self-Care Due to People-Pleasing

Self-care is important, and most people-pleasers find they simply don’t have the time to fill their own cup. Mostly because they are too busy saying yes to everyone else. This can become a big problem to your health and well-being.

Take a look at your schedule. Do you have time pencilled in just for you? 

Do you feel constantly disorganized and juggling 1000 things at a time? Are you chronically overcommitted and yet still say yes to helping someone who is in need? Do you find you are late to important things and are constantly stressed and rushing? Then you might have a problem with people-pleasing.

The pressure of your life is intense and you can’t remember when you actually did something for yourself. You don’t realize it, but your life is slowly disappearing day by day and you are spending it running around after other people who can’t organize themselves. It happens so easily and we don’t even see it happening.

Time is a finite resource, we can’t replenish time that is gone. It is important to look after yourself too and prioritize things that matter to you before the time gets booked with other people’s priorities.

4. It’s a People Pleasing Problem if You Constantly Apologize

Are you always apologizing for everything, even things that may not be your fault? This indicates a people-pleasing problem. People-pleasers want people to like them no matter what, which can lead to them apologizing for things they didn’t do, just to make sure they stay in the person’s good books.

Quite often we apologize because we have low self-esteem and don’t feel like we are good enough. We apologize just in case, to smooth over any rough edges and to cover anything we might have missed that could offend.

Usually, underneath it all is a fear of judgment and abandonment. We don’t want them to leave us or to criticize us, so we bury it all in a bunch of sorrys, hoping that will be enough to keep us around.

It’s helpful to know this behavior is simply a bad habit, and it can be changed with some time and effort. You don’t have to keep apologizing for your existence for eternity. You can break the habit and stop over-apologizing.

It’s certainly worth working on because it really helps with improving your confidence overall. People-pleasing and over-apologising are very submissive behaviors and until we stop doing this, our confidence will remain shaky.

5. Polite Listening Is A People-Pleasing Issue

Polite listening is another sign of people-pleasing problem behavior.

When you are bailed up at a party by the hypochondriac or the old person who forgets they told the same story to you five times and you won’t excuse yourself, you have a problem.

There’s a little bit of general going-with-the-flow socially. A bit of give and take. But if you are being dumped on in a one-sided avalanche of boring stories and you can’t bring yourself to hurt their feelings by breaking the conversation, there are boundary issues at play.

People pleasers often have trouble putting boundaries in place and it’s more than just an awkward social interaction here and there. It’s a crippling problem.

If you aren’t able to be yourself socially and just are a sympathetic listener, you start disappearing. One interaction at a time.

You aren’t improving your life doing this and going through these painful interactions. All that’s happening is they drain your energy, you don’t enjoy yourself and you don’t want to go to the next event.

Learning to excuse yourself politely or to tell someone no thanks to the details of their latest surgery, can be literally life-changing for a people pleaser. 

6. Have a Problem Standing Up For Yourself

Being a gentle people pleaser means you will also have trouble standing up for yourself, especially when it comes to difficult people or conflict. This can lead to a lot of problems in your life, such as never feeling fulfilled because you always give in, being taken advantage of by others, and becoming resentful.

Each time you are overpowered by others can leave you feeling shame and regret. It wears down your fragile self-esteem and makes you feel like you are just a doormat to these people.

If you are having regular trouble voicing your needs and standing your ground with your friends and family, it is likely you have a people-pleasing problem.

7. Cannot stand to let people down

This is a common problem for people pleasers. We cannot stand to let people down, so we end up putting their needs before our own. All.the.time. We are so sensitive to their feelings and needs, it can be damaging to our mental and physical health, as well as our other relationships.

If we are not well, how can we continue to give to others in our lives, if these difficult people drain everything we have? Learning to let other people live with the consequences of their own choices, and learn to deal with their own issues like an adult, is a good thing.

It’s not that we are letting them down, it’s that we are allowing them to learn how to deal with their own lives. If we continue to do everything for them, why should they even try? We are encouraging their behavior and cutting them off from your service and teaching them to handle their own responsibilities, which is actually doing them a big favor.

It’s important to learn how to set boundaries with difficult people in order to protect ourselves.

8. Highly sensitive to criticism 

Being highly sensitive to criticism can be a difficult thing and is another trait of women who have people-pleasing issues. It can mean that you take any kind of feedback, whether it is positive or negative, very personally. This can then lead to feelings of insecurity and low self-esteem.

The reason feedback hurts so much is that we live life with an open heart. We also don’t expect people we are helping, to have issues with how we do this, and sometimes it’s the shock and surprise that takes us aback. There’s no protection when we perceive negative things are said about us, and we take it hard. 

It can be hard to know how to deal with this type of sensitivity, but there are ways that you can work on it. It’s important to remember that not everyone who gives you feedback is trying to be malicious.

People may criticize you, because they care about you and want you to succeed.

Also, try not to dwell on negative comments. If you focus too much on what people have said about you, it will only make things worse.

Finally, practice self-compassion. Be gentle with yourself when things don’t go your way and remind yourself that everyone makes mistakes sometimes. Even you, and that’s ok.

9. You worry a lot about Keeping People Happy

You are always worried about what other people think of you and whether or not you’re doing things the right way. This causes you to be very hesitant to take any risks, lest you make a mistake in front of others. Other people’s opinions of you, matter a lot.

It’s why we do everything to keep the peace, to smooth the way, and to carry the burden for those we care about. We are terrified they are going to judge us for some slight misstep we didn’t see, and never speak to us again. We use people-pleasing as a way to keep ourselves safe and in their good graces.

The worrying is also due to taking on other people’s problems as your own. It’s a lot to carry and a massive drain on your resources. We worry because that also feels like helping, if we can figure out a way to solve their problems or make their life easier, they’ll be pleased with us and keep us around.

As you know very well, this is exhausting. You end up worrying yourself into the ground and they don’t even realize how their behavior is affecting you.

10. Problem with Perfectionist tendencies

If you are a people pleaser you will also hold yourself to a very high standard. Higher than others do.

Perfectionist tendencies are often found in our lovely people pleasers because it is tied to the other points above, such as not wanting to let anyone down, fear of being criticized, and worried we aren’t good enough and will be kicked out of the group.

If we do an outstanding job with the things we do for others, we believe it’s another reason we will be kept around. There is no opportunity for criticism if we are perfect, but as you know, perfect doesn’t actually exist. All you can do is your best.

Perfect takes so much time to achieve and often the results are not worth the investment of time. It also contributes to your exhaustion and worry and is terrible for your well-being. 

Final Note

As a niceaholic people-pleasing can really be a habit that holds us back in life, giving our power away to others all the time and not having control over our own lives. This really messes with our self-confidence.

People-pleasing may be a problem for you if you do the following:

1. Can’t say no & feel bad when you do say no

2. Worry about what others think of you

3. Feel like you don’t have time for yourself

4. Constantly over apologize

5. Are a polite listener

6. Have trouble standing up for yourself

7. Can’t stand to let people down

8. Highly sensitive to criticism

9. Worry a lot

10. Have perfectionist tendencies

It’s important to know if we have a problem with people-pleasing so we can deal with it. Once we overcome our people-pleasing habits we can regain our freedom, enjoy having time to do the things that are important to us, and live life on our terms. Finally going from a nervous Niceaholic to a Braveheart who has the strength within herself but is still kind to those around her.

Life is too precious and short to be a servant to others. You know this!

You can overcome this bad habit, break free, and have the life you deserve. People will get used to you saying no and you’ll get your power back and finally be in control of your life again.

Remember, it’s so important to be kind to yourself first!

Love