Why You Shouldn’t Force Someone To Talk To You: How To Repair A Difficult Relationship.
Should you force someone to talk to you if they are ignoring you?
When someone ignores you, it’s so upsetting. Your world gets turned upside down, you can’t think straight, and you feel anxious and worried.
The feeling of being ignored can be especially hurtful if the person is someone close to you, such as a partner, family member, or friend.
In this post, we will go through the signs to tell if someone really doesn’t want to talk and what to do about it. We also discuss what toxic relationships are like and what you should do if someone won’t leave you alone.
Let’s begin.
What does forcing someone mean?
We should start by defining what force is. To force someone means to compel them through physical or psychological coercion. Essentially, we are making them do something they don’t want to do for our own purposes.
You shouldn’t force someone to talk to you because it is not a loving or kind method of communication, and it doesn’t respect the other person’s boundaries. It is disrespectful and confronting to the person we are trying to communicate with, despite our good intentions.
When we force someone to talk to us – who clearly doesn’t want to – we are only setting ourselves up for heartbreak.
Is it good to force someone to talk to you?
No. It is never a good idea to force anyone to talk to you, or do anything they do not want to do voluntarily.
If they don’t want to talk with you, however painful that may be, forcing the issue will only make things worse.
This can make the person feel uncomfortable or even resentful towards you. Not what you are after!
If you really need to talk to someone, try a less confronting method of communication. Send them an email (just one) telling them what you need to say and wait for them to respond when they are ready to do so.
If you put yourself in their shoes for a second, would you want to talk to someone who is forcing you to talk when you aren’t ready to? Probably not. If you are forced to speak against your will, what will you say? (I’m guessing it wouldn’t be very nice, right?)
You are setting yourself up for a very unfriendly interaction if you force someone to speak to you when they aren’t ready to do so. It is not something that helps anyone and only causes bad feelings between you.
Why you shouldn’t force anything
What happens when you are forcing something? You are pushing yourself (or others) to act outside their aligned truth. You are asking them to prioritize you over themselves.
We know this all too well, being Niceaholics, what it’s like to be pushed around all the time. Yet we do it to ourselves all the time!
Push ourselves to go to things we don’t want to, help people who aren’t very nice to us in return, and even skip meals because someone else is hungry!
When we prioritize others over our own needs and force ourselves to do things we really don’t want to do, we abandon our inner selves (& are people-pleasing).
Abandoning the self is extremely damaging, and we lose touch with our own feelings and needs. This can lead to several problems, including feeling lonely and lost, not being able to trust others, and not being able to make decisions for ourselves. In extreme cases, abandoning the self can lead to depression or other mental health issues.
We must be careful not to ask (or force) others to do this too. So we really shouldn’t force someone to talk to us if they don’t feel like it.
What is better is to let things flow instead of forcing them. If someone doesn’t feel like chatting, that’s cool. We don’t take it personally and get hurt feelings. Let it go and leave it up to them to break the ice.
What are the signs someone doesn’t want to talk to you?
The signs someone doesn’t want to talk to you may include avoiding eye contact, not responding when you try to start a conversation, and simply being distant.
Other signs may be:
- Completely ignoring you
- Defensive body language
- Leaving your messages opened but not responding
- Short one-word responses
- Avoiding you
- Excluding you from the conversation
- Change in their behavior towards you
- A general feeling of things being off
What to do when someone refuses to talk to you?
Remember, there may be a reason (that isn’t you) as to why they don’t feel like talking today. Don’t be too quick to take these signs personally unless there is a clear reason to do so.
If you see these signs, give the person space and don’t force them to talk to you if they clearly don’t want to. Leave it for now and try again another time.
While waiting, don’t overthink the situation; observe their behavior and see if it softens towards you. If it does, try approaching them again.
However, if it remains unfriendly, try respectfully asking them what the reason is and if you can do anything to make amends.
What they say in return will be very telling, if it is business as usual, awesome! If it’s unreasonable, you have reached a stalemate and need to step back and reassess the relationship.
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How to tell if someone is using you
One common way to tell if someone is using you is by being inconsistent with their behavior towards you.
If someone is hot and cold with you- talking to you one day and ignoring you the next- it creates instability in the relationship and causes you to feel unsafe.
When we feel unsafe emotionally, we try harder to be more agreeable, accommodating, and whatever else it takes to keep the relationship alive. If you notice you are doing this yourself, it’s not a good sign.
Walking on eggshells around a person for fear they’ll stop talking to you, may be a sign they are using you and the relationship isn’t genuine.
You will soon tell if you stop being at their beck and call and say no occasionally, whether they stick around or move on to their next sucker.
How do you know if a relationship is toxic?
Every relationship has its ups and downs, and as a result, it can be challenging to determine if a relationship is toxic, as it depends on individual factors.
There is a general feeling of inequality in a toxic relationship, with one member having more power over the other and using manipulation and control to dominate interactions.
Signs your relationship is toxic include:
- You are not heard
- You do not feel safe expressing your needs
- You feel drained after being around them
- They rarely ask about you
- There are subtle feelings of jealousy
- They are sulky or rageful when things don’t go their way
- They message you a lot or not at all
- No respect for your boundaries
- Unreasonable demands
You will find a toxic relationship generally has an immature communication style. As you are dealing with someone with no empathy or insight, their behavior is very hurtful because the only feelings they care about are their own.
One final way to tell if your relationship may be toxic is if you feel emotionally or physically unsafe. That feeling is enough to get some space and reassess whether this person should remain in your life.
If you think your relationship could be toxic, it’s best to seek professional advice, as they are incredibly damaging if you get too attached.
How do you communicate with a toxic person?
Toxic people often thrive on making others feel inferior or uncomfortable, so it can be hard to interact with them when you have to.
A few tips on communicating with a toxic person are:
- Give up the need to be right, as you will always be wrong
- Stay out of emotional discussions
- Be polite but very firm in your manner
- Keep interactions transactional and boring
- Get everything in writing
- Have important discussions with a witness present
- Ignore their attempts to pull the conversation off track and stick to the topic at hand
- Be crystal clear and direct in what you are asking
- Get out of there asap
Make sure your boundaries are clear before you head into the fire – If you feel overwhelmed or unsafe, take a step back and communicate what you need to continue speaking with them. Don’t suffer in silence; speak up or leave if things feel too intense!
What to do when someone is forcing YOU to talk to them?
If someone is forcing you to talk to them, there are a few things that you can do to protect yourself.
- Stay away from the person in question
- Tell them why you don’t want to speak to them. Send them a follow-up email or text message as well, so there are no misunderstandings.
- If they persist, express that they are crossing your boundary and that their behavior will not help their case.
- Tell them if they continue to contact you when you don’t want them to, what will happen as a result (You won’t take their calls, see them anymore, or report them to the police, etc.)
- Follow through with your consequences if they cross the boundary you laid down. Every. Single. Time! So they know you mean it.
If you have to continue communicating with them, think about using a third-party service to relay your messages.
One final thing is always to ensure you are never alone with this person. If you feel unsafe, don’t be afraid to call the police.
A Final Note
It would be best if you never forced anyone to do anything they don’t want to, even if they won’t talk to you for some reason. No matter how hard it is, it is always worse to push when others aren’t ready.
Most of the time, you will find it has nothing to do with you. People don’t always feel like talking and have their own worries. But if you have seen the signs in this post and are sure they don’t want to talk to you specifically, respect their boundaries if you want any chance of restoring the relationship.
When it is clear they are using not talking to you to control and use you, take action to get distance and protect yourself from emotional harm.
If they are forcing you to talk to them, work on your boundaries and make it clear you are not interested. If you ever feel unsafe around this person and they are not listening, always get help (even if it’s the police!)
Finally, don’t waste your precious time and energy with toxic people and users. If you are always surrounded by them and have difficulty dealing with them, consider speaking with a professional. They have some killer moves they can share with you and help you learn to repel these people instead of attracting them.
If you are struggling with a toxic relationship or have someone you care about who won’t talk to you, my heart goes out to you.
Stay strong, my darling niceaholic, and always treat yourself with kindness.
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