What causes People Pleasing?
Do you want to know what causes people pleasing in the first place? Often knowing why you do something is half the battle to solving it.
There’s such a negative tone with the word people pleasers, like we are weak and pathetic or something. It’s not the case! Caring so deeply about others’ well-being is something to be proud of, your kindness is needed in this hard world.
It’s when you do it to the point of not taking care of your own needs, it becomes a problem. As you know, you start to lose yourself and live your life for other people. Disappearing before your own eyes.
While this may not sound that bad, ignoring your own needs for others can negatively impact your life – in a major way.
Most people-pleasers know how bad it can be, so how did they end up doing it anyway?
Read on and learn what causes people-pleasing and what to do about it.
So why do we become people pleasers?
So in case you didn’t realize, the causes of people-pleasing behavior have to do with nurture, rather than nature.
Babies don’t come out of the womb like this. People-pleasing is a learned behavior that is created from the emotional environment the person has been exposed to over their life.
People Pleasing Comes From an Unstable Childhood
The number one reason adults become people pleasers is that their needs weren’t met as a child.
If you are raised in a home without consistent unconditional love and attention, you may have begun people-pleasing as a matter of survival.
As a little bitty child, your survival depends on your caretakers feeding you and keeping you safe. If they are constantly distracted, this is a problem as they are not paying adequate attention to keeping you alive.
When adults are not consistent in their attention and care, children will often develop people-pleasing behaviors to stay in the adult’s good graces and at front of mind.
When children experience love withdrawn from them when they expressed their needs, they will find it difficult to speak up as an adult.
If they received a negative response (punishment) for saying no and not going along with what was asked, as an adult they will struggle with confrontation.
Good behavior, going along, and staying out of trouble are rewarded by the adults being more likely to take care of them.
When they become adults themselves, they will people-please to gain love, as they learned it is their behavior that is more important than who they are.
If unchecked this behavior continues all through adulthood, and they remain frozen, a forever good girl.
People Pleasing Comes from Trauma
People pleasing can also come from experiencing trauma.
For example, someone in an abusive relationship might become a people pleaser to avoid their partner’s rage.
Given they are in such an unpredictable environment, it gives them a feeling they have some level of control over their circumstances if they can soothe their abuser somewhat.
They often choose this type of partner in the first place because it mirrors what they experienced as ‘love’ in their childhood, so they often do come from unstable childhoods as well.
Finding themselves enmeshed with a partner who is difficult to please and emotionally avoidant like their parents were at that time.
Suppose the relationship continues for an extended period, which these relationships frequently do.
In that case, people-pleasing becomes a habit that is tough to shake and often extends to other people outside the relationship.
This behavior will often continue, even when the abusive relationship eventually ends.
People Pleasing is a Habit
While sometimes the origins of people-pleasing are dark, that isn’t always the case. Sometimes people-pleasing is just something you got used to.
If you found out early in life that people-pleasing leads to good outcomes (making people happy, words of thanks, etc.), then, of course, you continue the behavior.
I saw this in my own daughter when she was only 8 months old. She learned if she beamed her beautiful smile at the checkout lady, she’d get lots of positive attention and sometimes a lolly :). Children are very clever at figuring out what gets them special treatment.
Some people get so used to putting others first, they never learn to put themselves first. It can be really hard to break past people-pleasing habits even when they try.
Often just knowing it is a habit and not something terribly wrong with you, can be so helpful!
No matter what caused the habit to be created, it is simply a habit of behavior that needs to be corrected. It is not something broken within you, there is hope and it is entirely possible to overcome.
People-Pleasing Is Easy
Sometimes nothing dramatic causes people-pleasing, it is just easier. It’s easier to just give in than stand your ground and risk upsetting someone.
Why rock the boat and cause a scene? You can just say yes and avoid all the unpleasantness.
But you know lovely, that is no way to live your one and only life.
Yes, compromise is a part of life and relationships, but being walked all over isn’t. Just because it’s easier to avoid conflict by acquiescing, doesn’t mean it is a good idea.
As you know you feel guilty for letting yourself down and not standing up for yourself, and that’s often worse.
The Results of people pleasing
I have spoken about the effects of people pleasing before, but as a quick recap, when you prioritize others’ needs over your own you are essentially abandoning yourself.
You are putting the things that are important to you on hold, while you take care of others.
When you do this you are not living your life according to what is important to you, and instead are living it according to what others want. This can lead to feelings of resentment and emptiness.
You are like a petal in the wind and go wherever someone needs you, instead of living your life by intention. You can end up in a completely different place from where you actually wanted to go.
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You are like a petal in the wind and go wherever someone needs you, instead of living your life by intention!
Life is so very short, and you can find yourself achieving things for others but leaving your dreams behind. Letting yourself disappear, feeling invisible and unheard, and ending up with depression and anxiety.
The unhealthy relationships you surround yourself with will never bring you the joy you deserve in this life. These people just aren’t capable of giving you what you need to really thrive.
Additionally, people pleasers may attract dysfunctional or abusive relationships because they are attracted to those who need rescuing or who will take advantage of their willingness to please.
By wasting time with these demanding people, you are potentially missing out on friendships that will treasure and nurture you instead.
How are you going to meet these people if you are running yourself into the ground for your toxic friends?
Being overly nice can also result in feeling taken advantage of, resentful, and unfulfilled.
It’s a terribly sad way to live your life, when you have so much kindness and joy to share with people who actually deserve it.
How do we stop being People pleasers?
When we become people pleasers, it’s usually because we’re trying to fill a void within ourselves. We might feel like we’re not good enough, or that we don’t deserve love and attention. As a result, we try to please others in hopes that they will give us the validation and approval that we so desperately crave.
In order to break free from people pleasing, we need to learn to accept and love ourselves. There is no other way. We need to realize that we are worthy of love and attention and that we don’t need to rely on others for validation. Once we realize this, we can start to build healthy relationships with others.
Developing skills to deal with setting boundaries with difficult people and dealing with toxic relationships easily, is also really valuable.
When you have the confidence to deal with these challenging people, you find it easier to leave your people-pleasing ways behind you.
Learning how to take care of yourself first will ultimately lead to more contentment and peace in all your relationships.
I really want this for you and I know you can do it and still maintain your kind and generous nature.
A final note
The main reasons we become people pleasers are:
- Unstable Childhood
- Traumatic relationships
- We’ve developed a bad habit
- It’s just easier
This results in us abandoning ourselves and living our lives for other people. It can also cause us to feel resentful and unappreciated and if left unchecked can turn into depression and anxiety.
By giving your life to toxic demanding people you are missing out on a joyful life with people who will love and cherish you.
The way to overcome this compulsion to people please all the time, is to love and accept yourself. When you deal with your low self-esteem and finally see your needs are important too, you will find it easier to prioritize your own life too.
Developing boundaries and skills to deal with difficult people will give you the confidence to stop people pleasing all the time and just say no without feeling guilty anymore.
You can live your life free from the demands of others and still maintain your kind and sensitive nature. It is possible and I know you can do it.
Have a great week and remember to always be kind to yourself!
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