Stop Explaining Yourself. Quotes to Inspire Change.
Stop explaining yourself, my darling niceaholic.
If you are anything like me, this is a habit you struggle with all the time.
Why can’t we just say something once and that’s it?
What’s with the need to say it five different ways?
Is it because we speak softly and are afraid people didn’t hear us?
Because we are female or a minority?
Is it all the trauma we experience from the toxic people we attract into our lives?
Does it come from childhood?
What’s going on?
In this post I’m going to look at 3 different influences that cause over-explaining, and give you some strategies to overcome this annoying habit.
I’ve also included twelve quotes on how to stop explaining yourself. So I can always remind you that your voice matters and you don’t need to fear being misunderstood by the right people. 😊
Let’s begin.
Does What Happened in Childhood Cause You To Over-Explain?
What happened in your developmental years can definitely cause women to over-explain themselves as adults. Ways in which childhood experiences play a part in this behavior include:
Inadequate representation
If you grew up in an environment where you weren’t seeing yourself represented or validated, it makes sense you learned to over-explain to assert your presence and make yourself heard.
Fear of not being believed or taken seriously
When you were a child, if your feelings or experiences were not validated, it may cause you to over-explain yourself as a way to cope with the fear of not being believed or taken seriously.
Difficulty in trusting others
If you grew up in a home where your adults broke your trust, you might over-explain yourself to protect yourself from potential harm and gain control in the conversation.
You don’t want to believe they would break your trust, so by being crystal clear, you feel it reduces the chance they will disappoint you again.
Insecurity or self-doubt
Growing up in an environment where you were not encouraged, supported, or constantly dismissed, you may have developed feelings of insecurity and self-doubt.
This would naturally lead you to over-explain yourself to justify your actions or thoughts because you don’t feel your opinions are valid.
Ways trauma can cause you to over-explain.
The trauma inflicted on us over our lives can affect us in many ways, causing us to over-explain ourselves.
Some ways in which trauma may lead to this behavior are:
Fear of not being believed
If you have experienced trauma, you may over-explain yourself to cope with the fear of not being believed or taken seriously.
Because, as we know, the person you are dealing with has no interest in understanding you, therefore by providing more information, you feel you are increasing the chances of being believed.
Difficulty in trusting others
Trauma can damage trust in others, and people who have experienced trauma may over-explain themselves to gain control in the conversation.
We want control in the conversation because it makes us feel safer when we are with someone we are suspicious of, or who hasn’t earned our trust yet.
Fear of rejection
When you have experienced trauma, you may over-explain yourself to avoid rejection or abandonment, as this is a common threat abusers use. You may believe that if you explain yourself enough, others will understand and accept you.
Fear of backlash
We may over-explain ourselves in anticipation of negative reactions or backlash, especially when challenging the status quo. When dealing with toxic people there is a lot of uncertainty and we are very wary about accidentaly triggering a rage episode.
Insecurity or self-doubt
Trauma can lead to feelings of insecurity and self-doubt, which can cause us to over-explain ourselves to justify our actions or thoughts. We want to make sure people are clear on what we are saying because it takes so much courage to say it in the first place.
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Why being a woman can cause you to over-explain
Fear of not being understood
As women we sometimes over-explain ourselves to ensure that our message is received and understood correctly. We often have experienced times where our words will be misinterpreted or dismissed if we don’t explain the situation clearly and feel if we choose exactly the right words it increases our chance of being listened to.
Self-doubt
Some women may over-explain themselves because of self-doubt or insecurity, understandibly they feel they need to justify their actions or thoughts to be taken seriously.
Inadequate representation
Women may over-explain themselves because they don’t see themselves represented in the conversation or decision-making process, so they feel the need to assert themselves.
How to quit over-explaining
Accept yourself
The way to stop over-explaining comes through self-acceptance. When you accept you are trying your best and that what you are saying is valid, you can learn to let your words stand on their own merit.
Without self-acceptance, you will continue feeling like there’s something wrong with you, and get anxious in conversations.
Your relationship with yourself needs to be strong before you can set about changing this behavior, otherwise it won’t stick.
So give yourself some understnding and see you really are a good person, who’s simply got stuck in a coping strategy that no longer works.
Observe your actions
Start by gathering some information first, by looking at the situations where you descend into over-explaining and see if you can identify why you are doing it.
I found it would happen in social situations where I was nervous, and I wanted to make sure people had the correct impression of me. So social anxiety was a trigger for me.
When dealing with toxic people I would over-explain to give as much information as I could as I didn’t want to risk any misunderstandings that would lead to conflict. (Not realizing, that’s exactly what they want to happen!)
So I suggest observing yourself and see where you are doing this and with who.
Make a Plan
Now you know where your kryptonite is you can make a plan to address it.
Being more mindful is the best plan you can have.
It’s best to prepare yourself, before going into any situations where you are likely to over-explain or over-share so, initially, you may be just able to catch yourself when you over-share next time.
The next step is to correct yourself in the moment.
Obviously, the final step is to stop the behavior altogether.
Remember, it’s a bad habit.
Please don’t feel like you are broken beyond repair. This is just an unhelpful habit you picked up that no longer serves you.
In order to change this behavior you need to approach it like any other habit and work on gradual improvements over time.
I’m reading James Clear’s Atomic Habits at the moment, he has lots of effective strategies that can help you. He even has a free email course you can take; his emails are fantastic.
Be kind to yourself as you learn
Don’t bury yourself in the, I’m not good enoughs, when you mess up, because it only makes it worse.
Trust me, shaming yourself won’t help.
Be encouraging and gentle as you start making changes and at the same time, be sure to celebrate even the smallest of improvements.
It’s really important you don’t give up and do your best to keep going, no matter if you slip up and over-explain at times. So you see, you don’t need to over-explain anymore, it’s safe to let this go now.
The people in your life, will understand or they won’t and certainly, if they value your relationship, they will ask for clarification if they need it.
If they judge you like you fear they will, let them, as long as you don’t go back for a second helping!
Lastly, just know you have no control over their response. Over-explaining isn’t going to help anyway if they are toxic and judgey people.
Stop Explaining Yourself. Quotes to Help Inspire Change.
To remind you of your value and how your voice is important, I’ve included twelve quotes that will inspire you to be more confident in your opinions and understand what you say is valid.
Read these anytime you need a pick-me-up. I hope they help.
“It’s not your job to like me; it’s mine.” – Byron Katie.
“Stop judging yourself by what other people say.” – C. JoyBell C.
“You can’t change how people treat you or what they say about you. All you can do is change how you react to it.” – Mahatma Gandhi.
“Stop explaining yourself to people who are committed to misunderstanding you.” – Unknown.
“Stop seeking other people’s approval. You don’t need it.” – Tony Robbins.
“Stop trying to explain yourself. Your friends don’t need it and your enemies won’t believe you anyway.” – Unknown.
“Learn to be okay with people not knowing your side of the story. You don’t have to prove yourself to anyone.” – Lori Deschene
“Stop giving people power to control your happiness, your self-worth, and your future.” – Unknown.
“You don’t have to explain yourself to anyone. You know why you did what you did and that’s all that matters.” – Unknown.
“Stop trying to explain yourself. You don’t have to. You are not responsible for anyone’s understanding of you.” – Unknown.
“Never argue with an idiot.” – George Calin. (My favorite 🙂 )
“Don’t waste your time with explanations, people only hear what they want to hear.” Paulo Coelho.
A Final Note
Over-explaining feels like something you just have to live with, but that isn’t the case at all. Now you understand where this comes from and you have a strategy to change it. Over-explaining should have no more control over your life.
As a result, when you stop, you may find people actually pay more attention to what you say because you’re not banging on repeating yourself all the time lol.
Use the quotes on stop explaining yourself when you need them, and I truly hope you can free yourself from this terrible habit.
Where do you find you over-explain all the time? Let me know in the comments below! I’d love to know, I’m not alone 😊.
Don’t forget to always take care of yourself, lovely.
Until next time!
Love
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