How to Stop Being a People Pleaser
How can I stop being a people pleaser?
Do you want to stop being a people pleaser?
As a niceaholic, I’m sure you are aware of how damaging people pleasing is and what a negative impact it has on every area of your life. If you’re a people pleaser, you tend to put the needs of others above your own, to the point where you may sacrifice your own well-being in order to please someone else.
This makes you feel like a doormat and over time can make you resentful of how people take advantage of your kind nature.
While there’s nothing wrong with being helpful and considerate, when it starts to negatively impact your life, it’s time to take action.
People pleasing can lead to low self-esteem, anxiety, depression, and difficulty maintaining healthy relationships if left unchecked.
It’s important to learn how to break free from this destructive pattern so that you can live a happier, more fulfilled life.
How can I stop being a people pleaser?
While there are a variety of ways to stop pleasing others all the time, the most common and effective are:
- Learning to set boundaries.
- Take it slow
- Set small achievable goals
- Practicing self-care.
- Seeking professional help
Set Boundaries Around People Pleasing
Setting boundaries is key to stopping people-pleasing behavior. This means learning to say “no” when you don’t want to do something, and standing up for yourself even if it means upsetting someone else.
It’s also important to build a support network of close friends or family members who will love and accept you no matter what. With time and effort, you can break the cycle of people-pleasing and start living a life that’s true to you.
This can be very difficult when you first start doing it, as you can feel very unsafe at the beginning.
Also, a lot of us niceaholics don’t know how to set boundaries and have an underlying belief that boundaries are mean and aggressive.
This is not the case.
Boundaries are an act of respect not only for yourself but the person you are setting them with, as they know the expectation. You’re being honest with them. If you don’t tell them, how do they know you are unhappy or uncomfortable?
It’s perfectly fine and reasonable to set boundaries and you can do so, in a kind and loving way.
How To Start Setting Boundaries
A great way to start is with relationships you are comfortable with. It could be your parents or with your best friend. One where you know they are a caring and supportive person in your life. Tell them you what you are trying to do and ask them to help you practice.
Once you find your feet here, you can also recruit them to help you set boundaries with more challenging people in your life. They can help you talk through scenarios or give you some things to say that are polite but firm. Or even just support you and ask how it is going.
Setting boundaries does take practice, but it’s so worthwhile. It really is the key to stopping the people-pleasing habit for good.
Take Small Steps When Quitting the People Pleasing Habit
Chances are, you aren’t going to stop being a people pleaser overnight. Being a people pleaser has probably been ingrained in you since you were young.
Also, you have a long habit of saying yes, over many many years, and this is difficult to change straight away. You will have a greater chance at success if you start small, instead of changing everything at once.
To begin with, you can set some simple boundaries that shouldn’t offend anyone. For example, let someone know you aren’t available during work hours and turn your phone off.
Once you get some success with this and step through the initial fear of setting boundaries, you will gain confidence and be able to deal with more challenging situations.
At the start, take it slow and be gentle with yourself.
Set Goals for Yourself and Limit People Pleasing Opportunities
It’s important, as you stop being a people pleaser, that you have a clear direction for yourself, to stop sliding back into your people-pleasing ways.
You should make goals of whom you want to devote your time to, and what you want to accomplish in life.
Write down your goals and keep them in the front of your mind.
Look at the people who are supportive of you and prioritize spending time with them.
Identify people who create distractions or pull you away from what’s important to you. Set boundaries with them around your time and availability.
How to schedule your own goals
A great way to do this is to get out a yearly calendar and schedule, all the tasks and appointments that are your #1 priority. Do the same for #2 and #3 and so on.
You will see very quickly; you don’t have time to be running around doing everyone’s errands for them, if you are to achieve any of your own goals.
Keep a daily journal or log about your progress, what works and what doesn’t. Things to try and mark off when you’ve achieved your goals.
Celebrate times when you have put yourself first and said no to low-priority tasks from low-priority people.
Engage in Positive Self-Talk While Stopping The Habit of People Pleasing
People pleasers feel good about themselves when they do something nice for someone else, and as you leave your people-pleasing ways, you will likely be missing this positive reinforcement.
This is why you need to create it for yourself.
Every time you establish a boundary and keep it, tell yourself you did a good job and that you are doing something good for yourself—because it may not feel as good as people-pleasing does at first.
You need to treat yourself like a dear little child and comfort and encourage yourself like a parent would.
Yes, it feels very weird at first, but it does get more natural and is a great habit to get into. One that can actually change your life!
Remind yourself that you are worthy of respect and kindness, just like everyone else. Whenever you find yourself engaging in negative self-talk, replace those thoughts with positive ones.
Marisa Peer is a great person to follow if you’d like to learn more about the importance of self-talk and the impact it can have on your confidence and your life.
Getting professional help
Seeking some support with your people-pleasing problem is the more expensive option but, it is the one that will get you a deep understanding of where these behaviors have come from and give you personalized strategies to deal with them.
Having a professional who deals with this all the time, who makes you accountable and is supportive is really worth it.
You know how much pleasing others is costing you in your time, money ,and opportunities in life! The sooner you deal with it, the faster you can get on with living a life free from the worry of others’ opinions and demands.
A final note
The main point is if you want to stop being a people pleaser, you need to be honest with yourself about your motives. People pleasing is usually motivated by a desire to gain approval or avoid conflict.
It can be difficult to give up the validation, but you can give this to yourself through positive self-talk and reparenting.
Take it slow and track your progress, adjusting if you need to as you go.
If you can learn to be honest about your needs and feelings, you’ll be less likely to engage in people-pleasing behavior.
It’s also important to set boundaries and stick to them. This means learning to say “no” when you’re not comfortable with something. This is not only respectful to yourself but the other person too, as you are being totally honest with them and not saying yes out of obligation or habit.
Seek professional help if you can, it’s worth the cost to get on top of this and the personalized support increases your chance of success.
People pleasing can be a difficult habit to break, but it’s worth it to live a more authentic life.
Remember love, always be kind to yourself while you’re doing hard things 🙂
Love
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