Don’t trade your authenticity for approval.
Don’t trade your authenticity for approval my darling niceaholic!
I know you often side-step speaking up and sharing your opinions because you are afraid of what people might say or do.
But do you know that trading your authenticity for approval is really bad for your self-esteem and self-worth?
In this post, I want to help you start the journey back to yourself, learn how to be more authentic, and finally give up the need for other people’s approval.
Let’s begin.
What does authenticity mean?
Authenticity means acting and behaving in line with your values and beliefs. It is being true to who you are and saying no to things that pull you out of alignment.
When you are authentic, you know who you are and what you stand for and act accordingly.
People know you are being authentic because your actions match your words.
You do what you say, and you say what you mean.
What makes someone authentic?
Interacting with an authentic person is like a breath of fresh air.
They are honest and behave in ways that are consistent with who they present themselves to be.
When dealing with an authentic person, you know they have your back. If they have a problem with you, they will say it to your face.
Someone authentic is consistently themselves, and they don’t act differently around others.
What you see is what you get. They are genuine.
Why is authenticity important in life?
People trust authentic people.
We get suspicious when others behave differently from how they have in the past.
We may not be able to put our finger on what makes us feel like something is off, but it will be that they aren’t acting congruently. Their actions don’t match what they are telling us.
Sometimes you can find your own friendships aren’t genuine or have a depth to them. As we are prone to keeping everyone happy all the time, it can result in us coming across as inauthentic.
Even though our intentions are honorable, people keep us at arm’s length because they can feel it. They don’t trust us.
People trust authentic people because they feel safe.
You are aligned with your values and goals and are living your truth.
You are not being pulled into other people’s priorities and helping them achieve their goals. When you are authentic, you keep your north star in sight and always step towards it.
When you are authentic, you say no to things that pull you away from your mission and don’t easily get caught up in other people’s dramas.
It is less stressful.
As niceaholics, we know how exhausting and stressful it is to keep everyone happy all the time.
When you are living your authentic life, you can allow people to be disappointed, and it doesn’t fill you with guilt and worry.
You are always honest and therefore have nothing to hide, and don’t worry about what others will discover.
Being authentic gives you peace of mind.
Be 100% you.
Being authentic means, you accept yourself and allow others to see you for who you are.
You have overcome the fear of rejection and know how important it is to speak your truth, even when others don’t like it.
No more entertaining people who are just using you. You are completely yourself. There’s no more hiding.
Being authentic is very freeing.
Why is it hard to be authentic?
Just because it is noble to be authentic doesn’t mean it is easy to do.
If we think about what it was like to survive 10,000 years ago, it was almost impossible to make it alone. Those that craved acceptance had a better chance of remaining with the group and surviving.
Those who didn’t care about upsetting others get kicked to the prehistoric curb.
It makes sense why we feel so afraid of speaking up. It’s a safety instinct.
There is a deep fear of abandonment and rejection within us. We never want people to be sad or upset with us, so we choke on our opinions and needs and tell them what they want to hear.
We hate conflict more than anything, and we know that if we speak up, we risk being kicked out of the group.
Therefore, we often trade our authenticity for approval to stay part of the tribe. It’s survival.
How do I be more authentic?
Here are the steps you can take to become more authentic:
Know yourself and what you stand for
Who are you when you are by yourself and when the strong personalities around you aren’t influencing you?
What causes do you believe in?
How do you see the world?
Taking the time to think about what makes up your personality provides great insight.
If you Don’t Stand for Something, You Will Fall for Everything
Malcom X
Practice self-awareness
Self-awareness is a deep knowledge of yourself, your habits, your strengths, and your weaknesses and is a very important skill.
To develop more self-awareness, ask yourself the following questions:
Why are you the way you are? Where do you struggle, and where do you shine?
What type of people do you surround yourself with? Why have you chosen them over other people?
Observe your habits and determine whether they help or hurt you.
Practicing self-awareness allows you to live your life more effectively and is a powerful tool.
Journal to get to the heart of who you are
Journaling helps you dig deeper.
Reflect on the above and ask yourself more get-to-know-you questions in your journaling practice.
What is your favorite color? When you have time by yourself, what do you like to do? What type of movies do you like? What are your thoughts on current issues? Are you an introvert or an extrovert?
Ask yourself questions you struggle with when in the company of others and practice thinking about what you believe.
It’s important to find out what you genuinely think when away from their influence. Then you can reconnect with your true self again, get clarity with your own preferences, and become more authentic.
Identify your values and passions
When we give so much of ourselves to others, we almost disappear into their lives.
We drift so far from the life we originally had in mind for ourselves and don’t know how to get it back.
Now is a great time to take a break and identify what your own values, vision, and passions are.
Values: What values are important to you? Honesty, compassion, giving, trustworthiness, family, being authentic 😊? Here is a list of values if you need a kickstart.
Vision: What is the vision you have for your life? When you think about the next 10 -15 years, what do you see? Is your current life set up to get you there?
Passions: What do you like to do with your spare time? Is there anything you loved to do as a child that you could pick up again?
If you don’t know what you like to do anymore, that’s ok. It happens when you spend so much time helping others and doing what they want all the time.
Write a list of everything you have enjoyed in the past and some things you’d like to try in the future and see where it takes you.
Set your priorities
Now it’s time to commit to your own priorities instead of everyone else’s.
To do this, take out a piece of paper and record your priorities aligned with your values, vision, and passions above.
For example, if one of your values is family, then spending time with your family is your priority. Write that down.
If you’ve identified that playing the piano is your passion, write that down, too.
Don’t forget your life vision as well. If you want to live on a farm and have horses, write that on your paper too.
Then schedule a time to work on them in your calendar. Plan to allocate time to work towards these important things in your life.
Remember, we are only in danger of trading our authenticity for approval when we don’t know who we are, what we stand for, or what is important to us.
This step changes all of that and means we don’t trade our authenticity for approval anymore!
Once scheduled on your calendar, you can easily say no to someone who wants you to go with them to the dog show because it’s a) not on your list, b) you like horses, and c) they aren’t family.
By saying no, you are authentic because you live a life aligned with your values and beliefs and are not being a puppet on a string, going with whoever pulls it.
Practice being authentic
As with any change in life, there is always a period where things don’t come naturally yet.
Being authentic when you aren’t used to being yourself can be confronting.
Take small steps and work authenticity into your daily life.
Use lower-risk opportunities to practice being authentic where you can.
For example, if you are going out for a meal at a restaurant, decide before you get there what you will have to eat before you hear everyone else’s choices.
Once you find your confidence, you can expand your repertoire.
Why do you seek other people’s approval in the first place?
But let’s get back to why you seek people’s approval in the first place.
This is really what’s stopping you from being authentic.
This compulsion to tell people what they want to hear, to get them to like you.
So, let’s work through this 😊
What happens if they don’t like you, hun? What feelings come up when you think about that? Is it terror and feeling sick? That’s what I feel, so maybe you do too.
But if we get out of our emotional brain and into our more logical brain, nothing bad will happen to us. We aren’t hurt physically, and we will still have enough to eat.
It comes back to that prehistoric instinct of staying with our tribe.
But what if the tribe you are with is toxic? Is it a bad thing they don’t like you? Isn’t that a good sign that you aren’t toxic yourself?
You have nothing to prove to these people. Or to anyone.
To leave this tribe and transition to a healthier one, you must go through a period of feeling alone and vulnerable. But please don’t feel you’ve been rejected from this place you never belonged.
Remember, it is your choice to move on, and there’s nothing to feel bad about. Expect loneliness to come up, but know it won’t last forever.
To be more authentic, you will need to disappoint people who are used to you going along with things. This is part of finding your soul tribe who loves you for you.
Be brave and go for it. There is a better life out there for you. There’s no need to put up with this poor treatment.
How do I stop seeking approval and live an authentic life?
Validate Yourself
The first step to giving up the need for other people’s approval is learning to validate yourself.
Here are the steps:
Steps to Validate Yourself
- Step 1. Observe yourself when you ask for approval next time. Why are you doing that? What are you looking for from this person? Are you scared of them?
- Step 2. Pull yourself up when you see it happening.
- Step 3. Give yourself the praise & encouragement you are seeking from this person.
- Step 4. Repeat every time you feel unsure of yourself.
Care less about what people think of you
To stop trading your authenticity for approval, you must stop caring what other people think of you.
You have one life, just one! Be sure you are making it count.
Most people on this planet are worried about themselves. Let’s be honest, they aren’t going around thinking about you all day 🙂
So if you take a chance on an authentic life and start telling some long overdue truths (kindly of course) and they can’t handle it. It doesn’t matter.
Within a week they will have forgotten all about it. If they are still dwelling then perhaps stepping back from them is a really good idea!
You don’t want people who love the fake you, you want people who love you warts and all. That’s what you deserve!
Also, is it worth continuing to live an inauthentic life purely because you don’t want to make them uncomfortable?
That doesn’t make sense, so why do we do this?
Are you scared you won’t make any new friends? Or you’ll end up alone? Take some time to dig deeper and see if you can uncover the real reason behind this.
Techniques to be more authentic and to stop approval seeking.
Start giving your opinion freely.
Give your opinion, even if it makes you uncomfortable. Start with smaller things. Do you think it will rain? Do you prefer cats or dogs? Which movie would you like to see?
Avoid judging others.
Notice your thoughts. Are you constantly judging others in a variety of situations?
You’ll fear the judgments of others if you continue to be judgmental.
Realize that disapproval can be a weapon
The next time a person disapproves of you, ask them to explain themselves.
Remember that most negative people seek a victim, not a fight.
They are fragile little things, and when others feel weak, they feel strong. When you stick up for yourself, they will usually backdown.
Knowing this can free you from seeking the approval of others. Most of the time, they’re just in the game for themselves.
Be aware of what happens when someone disapproves of you. Nothing!
We are born with an intense desire to fit in. But what happens when someone disapproves of you? The sky doesn’t fall on top of you.
You might suffer from a little anxiety or embarrassment, but it passes. You won’t die 🙂 .
Stop telling other people your business
We are queens of TMI at times, and this only hurts us. We are trying desperately for them to understand, to see our side of things, and approve or validate us, but they won’t or can’t.
There’s no point in spilling your guts to these people who don’t care.
All they will do is use this information against you in the future.
People will ask questions if they want more information and are interested.
If there’s not a balanced conversation where they are sharing as well, it is dangerous for you to keep sharing so openly.
Plus you are reinforcing the habit of seeking approval when you do this.
Instead, resist the urge to tell everyone things they haven’t earned the right to know.
Do some things for yourself.
If you constantly seek approval, you’re not taking good care of yourself.
Show yourself that you are important by focusing some of your time and energy on yourself.
It might be uncomfortable at first. You might even feel selfish. However, it is important to show yourself that you matter too.
Being overly concerned about the opinions of others is damaging to your self-esteem.
Each time you seek approval, you’re diminishing your own importance.
You’re causing yourself pain.
Allow your individuality to be seen and experienced by others.
A final note
When we are used to trading our authenticity for approval, it is a hard habit to stop.
It is important to know that you matter too, and you can’t keep hiding yourself to keep other people comfortable for the rest of your time here on earth.
Let people go who can’t handle your true self and make way for people who will love you just the way you are. Life will be more peaceful and enjoyable with your soul tribe.
To recap the steps to being more authentic are:
- Know who you are and what you stand for.
- Practice self-awareness.
- Journal to get to the heart of who you are.
- Know your values, visions, and passions.
- Set your priorities.
- Practice being authentic every day.
Techniques to try:
- Give your opinion more freely.
- Be less judgemental of others.
- Don’t let others use disapproval as a weapon.
- Remember, when people disapprove, nothing happens.
- Stop telling everyone your business.
- Do some things for yourself.
I hope this helps.
The world needs kind people like you. If you are brave and can live an authentic life, you will inspire others to do the same.
So don’t trade your authenticity for approval any more!
Does this resonate with you? Let me know in the comments below.
Take care of yourself, my darling niceaholic. Have a great week and I’ll see you next time.
Love
Beautiful boundaries
A nice girl’s guide to setting strong boundaries
Get your 13-page guide designed to help you build confidence and say no politely, yet firmly.
Free when you subscribe to my email list as my thank-you gift to you.
