Being nice gets you nowhere: Why it’s holding you back and how to fix it.
The idea that “being too nice gets you nowhere”, suggests that being overly accommodating will prevent you from achieving your goals or getting ahead.
While it’s true that being too nice can have some drawbacks, such as being taken advantage of or being overlooked, it’s important to note that there are also many benefits to being kind and considerate.
Research has shown that nice people tend to be happier, healthier, and more successful than those who are not.
In this post, we will talk about balancing being nice with achieving your goals and dreams.
Let’s begin.
The dangers of being too nice.
Putting others’ needs before your own.
As niceaholics, we are all too familiar with putting others’ needs before our own and the devastating consequences this has on our lives.
Feeling resentful and hurt because these people don’t put us first, ever!
When you are too nice, this sets the expectation that you will always be the one to pick up the slack.
Once this is in place, it’s difficult to change without challenging conversations.
While it is lovely to care for others and want to help them no matter what, it doesn’t get you anywhere except treated like a doormat and taken for granted.
If you are prone to being the ‘fixer’ for everything, try stepping back a little.
Ask for help, see whether these people step up, and then adjust your helpfulness accordingly.
Not standing up for yourself or setting boundaries
One of the main reasons why being too nice can be a problem is that it can make it difficult for you to set boundaries.
Boundaries are especially important for gentle and kind people like us.
If you’re constantly saying “yes” to requests and going out of your way to help others, it can be hard to set limits and take care of yourself.
Without boundaries, your kindness becomes self-sabotage because you train these people to expect you will always submit to their requests.
Once they get that message, it is game over and you are their servant forever.
Once things are out of hand, it can feel overwhelming to stand up for ourselves. We usually abandon the relationship as a result because it’s just too hard to speak up later on.
While setting them can feel mean to us, boundaries keep us emotionally safe from being pushed around.
Having kind boundaries that inform people what you will and won’t do, demonstrates that you appreciate your value and will push back when needed.
Which makes people think twice about asking you to do something out of bounds.
It builds a more balanced relationship from the get-go and makes being pushed around less likely.
Download our free Beautiful Boundaries Planner
Being taken advantage of or not being respected
Unfortunately, some people see niceness as a weakness and feel they can take what they want because you will never say no.
This results in being taken advantage of and treated poorly.
But being nice doesn’t guarantee that people will treat us respectfully or kindly in return just because we would treat them that way.
As niceaholics, we tend to collect insecure people who don’t behave in predictable ways.
That’s why we try to smooth things over by being excessively nice in the first place. To try to keep these people calm, avoid confrontation and to get them to treat us with respect.
Usually, these people are quite insecure, and that’s why which is why they try to boss you around. To put themselves above you and you below them.
Being nice to them and letting them push you around isn’t going to guarantee they will be reasonable in return.
So, when people say being nice gets you nowhere, they really mean it isn’t getting the results they want and they’re at a loss as to what to do.
To get these people to respect you and stop taking advantage you need to teach these people you will only do what they want if they treat you respectfully.
Even though this can be challenging, and they will not like it, if you are consistent, they will get the message in time.
The benefits of being assertive
You don’t have to stop being nice entirely in order to fix these issues. But being more assertive will really help keep things under control.
When you aren’t used to it, assertiveness can feel aggressive. However, with practice, it will come more naturally and feel more comfortable.
Part of developing a more assertive manner is learning to set boundaries and standing up for yourself.
Setting boundaries and standing up for yourself
Setting boundaries and standing up for yourself are critical for assertive behavior.
For us niceaholics, it can feel very daunting to do, but that’s only because we don’t know how.
To set boundaries successfully with difficult people who are used to getting their own way, you need to have a plan.
One thing that helped me with setting boundaries was taking the emotion out of the situation and approaching it more logically. When you think about what is actually happening rather than feeling sorry or manipulated by the person in front of you, it’s a completely different ball game.
Try this and see if this works for you…
- Think about what the person is doing and why it upsets you.
- When you aren’t in the heat of battle, speak to them calmly about how it makes you feel and why you want them to change their behavior towards you.
- If they ‘forget’ next time, you need to be ready and remind them of your discussion.
- The next time it happens, you have to assume it’s on purpose and they are not being respectful. Tell them you can’t help them until they can acknowledge your boundaries.
When you see them as being, at best thoughtless and at worse aggressive, rather than getting sucked into the issue, you can put your boundaries down and mean it.
Achieving your own goals and desires
Another advantage of being more assertive is that you can prioritise your own goals and dreams.
While you are busy running around after difficult people you will find your important things get put last.
You will never achieve your goals without spending time working on them!
By being more assertive, sticking to your boundaries, and putting the focus back on yourself, you can make progress on things that make you happy.
Take the time to know your goals and what is important to you. My goal planner can help you with this process.
Once you know what they are, schedule your goal-related tasks in your calendar.
When people ask you to do a favor for them next, you can truthfully say you are busy 😊
If being nice doesn’t get you anywhere, is it better to be selfish?
That being said, being too nice doesn’t mean you have to stop being nice altogether.
Instead, it’s important to find a balance between being kind and considerate of others and being assertive and self-confident.
This means setting boundaries and being able to say “no” when necessary.
It also means being comfortable with the idea of disappointing others from time to time and standing up for yourself.
One way to balance being nice and assertive is by practicing assertive communication.
This involves clearly expressing your thoughts, feelings, and needs and respectfully listening to others.
It’s also important to understand that you are not responsible for other people’s happiness, so don’t feel guilty about prioritizing your own needs and wants. Because we want to achieve our own goals, right?
It’s also a good idea to surround yourself with people who support and respect you.
Being around people who respect your boundaries and are wonderful role models in balancing being nice and assertive can help you develop the skills and confidence you need to achieve your goals.
A Final Note
While being too nice can have its drawbacks, it’s important to remember there are so many benefits to being kind and considerate.
The key is to find a balance between being nice and assertive, setting boundaries, practicing assertive communication, and surrounding yourself with supportive people.
Remember that you deserve to be treated with respect and that it’s okay to prioritize your own wants and needs.
Being nice doesn’t get you nowhere, and you don’t have to change your personality to get along in this world.
The world needs kind people like you, so don’t feel you have to be selfish like the others.
When you are more assertive, it is safer to extend your kindness without worrying about being taken for granted like before.
The bullies will drop away, and you’ll find you will attract healthier people who appreciate your beautiful nature just the way you are.
Do you think being nice gets you nowhere? Let me know in the comments below.
Until next time, take care of yourself,
Love
Beautiful boundaries
A nice girl’s guide to setting strong boundaries
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