Tired Of Being Nice? Be More Authentic and Live an Intentional Life.
Tired of being nice all the time? Are you thinking you’d be better off being selfish and mean like everyone around you, and you’d be happier?
Don’t give up on being the beautiful kind person you are just yet, honey.
There are simple things you can do right now, so you can stop being tired of being nice, build healthier ways of being and start feeling happy with who you are again.
Let’s get started.
Why you’re tired of being nice.
You aren’t getting the results you want
Often, we expect a positive response when we do things a certain way. So, when we act “nice,” we expect others to do the same. When people disrespect you instead, you get very tired of being nice to them all the time!
You feel like you are not receiving support in return for your niceness.
When you give and give and get nothing in return, it’s exhausting.
You wonder why you are trying so hard with this person when it seems like they are just a taker. When you need help, they are nowhere to be seen, making you feel upset and used.
People are mean and unkind to you.
You are sick of being spoken to like a servant and feel like that’s all you are to these people.
A personal uber driver who does everything for them but doesn’t even get paid.
They don’t even ask you nicely or say thank you, making you feel like they don’t respect or care about you.
You are tired of feeling like you have to put on an act
Every time you are with someone different, you act like a completely different person.
They all want you to be a certain person around them to cater to their unique insecurities.
It’s like you don’t even know who you are anymore. You worry you are disappearing, and your life isn’t your own.
Why it’s dangerous to be too nice?
You get taken advantage of
People know you are going to say yes, so you are the first point of call for all their ‘emergencies.’ Your friendly nature means they always choose you.
For you, it is nice to be thought of and makes you feel important, but after a while, you see they are simply using you.
Abusers and users are attracted to you
When you think about what a nice person is:
- Are nurturing and encouraging
- They are self-less and put others before themselves
- Always there for you no matter what
- Never complains
- Doesn’t speak badly about people ever
- Will never tell you off no matter how poorly you treat them
- Is extremely forgiving
- Will drop everything if you ask them to
What does this remind you of? Someone who is a good person or an excellent servant?
While it feels noble to be such a dutiful friend, colleague, or partner, this way of being, sends signals to toxic people and abusers, you are open for business and will put up with their BS.
Insecure toxic people love gentle people who they can push around, and once they recruit you to be their new pet, it isn’t easy to escape.
You abandon yourself
When you are too nice, you abandon the beautiful and unique person you are. You constantly wear a mask and perform an act depending on which master you are with at the time.
Meanwhile, the person that is you is inside, withering away. Never talked about, they take no interest in her, and she feels so sad and abandoned.
When you become more authentic, toxic users aren’t interested in you and will fall away.
You will then attract people who are a better match for you, who are interested and kind people, are considerate but also value their own emotional well-being.
What do you do when you’re tired of being nice?
Identify why you are so nice
All is not lost though my dear.
There is something underneath driving this behavior, and if you can identify what it is and why it bothers you, you can do something about it.
Is it out of fear?
What are you afraid of? Conflict, letting people down, or being perceived as mean?
Are you nice because you want something?
Acceptance, to be liked, or them to do something for you?
Why do you acquiesce and give up your own personal rights for this person? Why do they have so much power over you?
What voices do you hear when you think about suiting yourself? Whose voices are they? Are those people and their comments relevant today?
Dig down and ask yourself these questions and get to the real reason you are the way you being so nice all the time.
Care about yourself a little more
You can be tired of being so nice because you aren’t taking care of yourself.
What happens to you and your needs when you care so much about others?
Often when we give and give, there isn’t much left over for ourselves.
Putting yourself first and taking the responsibility to care for yourself means you can better balance helping others with getting your things done too.
As niceaholics, we are so used to being pulled in every direction at once it’s hard to know what we even want sometimes.
Set time aside to work on your own goals and dreams (and not just your boring responsibilities!)
You certainly aren’t here as a servant for your friends and family. There is a cost in choosing this way of life, and it’s time to look after yourself and start saying no.
Download our free Beautiful Boundaries Planner
Small steps: go from being very nice to just nice
When we think about changing our entire identity, one we have had our whole lives, it’s overwhelming.
I am a big fan of James Clear, whose book Atomic Habits talks about making things 1% better than yesterday.
So, take small steps, a little each day, and practice toning down your nice girl behavior instead of radically changing it overnight.
What is your kryptonite? The thing you can’t say no to?
Start there, and instead of saying no, practice saying, “maybe later,” or “let me think about it.”
If you can’t help yourself, practice doing a little less instead of being over-the-top nice and doing everything for a person.
I’m practicing this now, being satisfied with helping just a little. Even though it’s not at the level I’d prefer, I’m trying to be happy it’s enough.
It’s really uncomfortable but hang in there, the worried voices eventually stop screaming! 🙂
Let go of the fear of being judged.
Are you excessively nice because you fear being judged?
Being afraid of what people think of you is completely normal. Of course, you want to fit in and not rock the boat.
But what will actually happen if people say you are selfish because you are tired of being nice to them and starting to do what you want instead?
I will tell you.
Nothing.
Perhaps there will be a bit of complaining and a few side-eyes, but nothing will happen to you after that. You will still have a home to go to, food to eat, and other people who love you in your life.
Walking through the fire isn’t fun, but everyone will adjust when you face your fear of judgment and suit yourself.
You may find your people are supportive and excited for you! The ones who complain are used to getting their way, so don’t listen to them.
People who judge are going to judge. You can’t stop it from happening.
You can, however, stop it from putting a pause on your dreams and hiding who you are.
Be more authentic
You can get tired of being so nice because you aren’t living an authentic life.
If you are living a life other people have designed for you, you can lose yourself catering to their needs.
Being authentic when you aren’t used to it is challenging, but if you apply the 1% rule from above and gradually start speaking up about what you want to do, over time, it becomes second nature.
Take a step back from your niceaholic duties and start thinking about your values and vision for your life.
What is important to you? What do you want to achieve in your life?
Are you working on these things or putting them aside when you get that phone call from your person?
Look at how you spend your time. Is it aligned with your values and vision? If not, why not?
I want you to know it is safe to be yourself. You don’t need to keep putting on a mask for everyone. You can stop now.
It is much less stressful when you are 100% yourself and have people around you who get you.
Why do I always feel tired emotionally?
On edge wanting people to be happy with you and fearing conflict
Keeping people happy all the time is tiring.
Toeing the line keeps the peace, but it is exhausting. You’re always on high alert, looking for signs of trouble.
Have you ever thought, how can I keep living like this? Or who is worrying about my happiness?
No wonder you are tired of being nice when people treat you like this.
You lack self-care
Running around after everyone means less time to look after yourself.
If you aren’t eating properly, have time to exercise, or have time to rest, you will start to feel emotionally tired.
What we do is give first and make do with the leftovers, but you need time to fill your own cup before giving to others.
Self-care is critical for niceaholics because, without it, we collapse into a crying and exhausted mess. There is only so much you can carry, you are human after all, and have your limits.
Look after yourself first and then help others after.
You don’t live an authentic life
It is tiring when you aren’t honest with yourself and living a life in line with your values.
If you live authentically and have strong boundaries in place, you will feel lighter and happier because there is nothing to worry about.
You don’t need to stress about people judging you because all those people have dropped away.
When you are open and honest about who you are, you aren’t worried about people finding out the truth. There is nothing to find! They know the true you already.
Living authentically helps you feel more energetic because you aren’t using all your capacity to maintain a fake persona.
Why you should be kind instead of nice
I didn’t realize for a long time that there was a difference between being kind and nice.
I thought kind people were nice.
But being kind is better because it is more authentic and genuine.
Let me tell you why.
Kindness is a way of being. It’s part of your identity. When you are kind, compassion or generosity comes from a genuine desire to help others.
Niceness, however, is often used to control the situation and guide it towards a result you want, such as gaining approval or avoiding conflict.
Kindness is less likely to be conditional, while niceness can be inconsistent and taken away if they do not meet certain conditions.
Did you know you can be kind without being nice too?
Suppose you stop enabling other people’s victimhood and encourage them to seek solutions. In that case, you are being kind, but the person on the receiving end may interpret this as not very nice as you aren’t taking care of it for them.
Now that I’ve learned this, I always question if I am doing an act of kindness or if I am I trying to get something out of this, and what is it?
Am I doing this as a genuine way to make this person’s life easier, or am I feeling they are pulling away and I am trying to re-engage them in our friendship?
It’s ok to please yourself first.
As niceaholics, we aren’t used to looking after ourselves at all!
So, it can make you feel uncomfortable when you are just starting. You feel selfish and mean when you tell people you can’t help them.
But think about what happens if you keep leaving yourself last all the time. Whose life are you going to end up living?
That’s why it’s important to please yourself first, and then take care of others if you have spare time. You don’t want to create a life based on keeping people happy and always being scared they will get upset and leave you.
Instead, create an authentic life set up intentionally to achieve your precious goals and dreams and please yourself, because you are the only person who can.
Face the reality that not everyone will like you
It isn’t the being nice that’s tiring; trying to make everyone like you is the problem.
Logically we know it is impossible to get everyone to like us, but we are high achievers, and of course, we see it as a challenge to get everyone we meet to join our personal fan club!
But what would it look like if you let people make up their own mind? You stopped pushing for it.
Does that make you feel nervous? It certainly made me feel that way when I started doing it.
Being the super fun friend or potential girlfriend/wife of the year takes effort. Giving that up, being entirely yourself from the start, and letting people potentially judge or leave is scary.
Think of yourself as a cup of tea (chai, of course because it’s spicy! 😊). Not everyone likes tea. Some people like coffee instead. The coffee people may settle for tea if there’s no coffee, but they prefer coffee.
Sometimes they say no to tea and prefer not to have a drink if it’s not coffee.
Should the cup of tea be upset and wish it was more like its highly caffeinated friend? No! It’s not personal. It’s just how it is. They aren’t a match, and that’s ok.
When someone doesn’t step up and take your offer of being a new BFF, don’t get crushed and think there’s something wrong with you.
Just say to yourself, “I’m safe, I’m loved. I’m just not their cup of tea.”
A Final Note
You may be tired of being nice, but what kind of world would we have without kind people like you?
Don’t give up and become selfish like the others; instead, just put some boundaries in place, be brave enough to live an authentic life, and stand strong when people protest and maybe even leave.
Because what happens when the dust settles? You are living an intentional, authentic life you have built around your values and visions. Set up to achieve your goals.
The people who used to push you around are gone, and instead, you have new people in your life who are authentic with you in return and love you for who you are.
You are less tired than you used to be, and you didn’t even have to change who you were.
You simply had to be brave enough to be 100% you. 🙂
Are you tired of being nice? Let me know in the comments below!
Before I go, remember honey, always take care of yourself!
Love
